Is a name just a name?

박여라. Park Yu-ra. 박유라. Park Yu-ra. They're both romanized the same, so which one is my correct name? According to my records in Korea, 박여라 is the correct spelling of my name (pronounced as park yoh-rah). According to my mind and my heart, 박유라 is my name (pronounced as park yoo-rah). As an adoptee, one of the first questions that one might have, is what was my name? Lucky for me, my family decided to keep my Korean name in my American name as one of my middle names. I grew up with one way of saying my name. I was told my multiple people that my name was pronounce with a yoo sound for the first syllable, however when I went to Korea I learned that that wasn't the case. You wouldn't think that something as small as a name would make a big difference for a person, but it does.

I spent 20 years of my life going by one name and then learned that the name I knew was incorrect. Sure, I didn't go by that name for my school records, drivers license, other documents, but it was a part of who I was. It was the one thing that I had for 20 years of my life that represented what I had lost.  The year I decided I was finally going to learn Korean and learn more about my heritage, my god-sister and I decided that we would both get tattoos of our Korean names. I got my tattoo behind my right ear. I wanted to have a physical reminder of who I could have been and my history in a sense. I wanted it in a location that I knew and I would remember, but I didn't want to show everyone. I still wanted it to be a part of me that not everyone would know just right off the back of meeting me. When I got this tattoo, I was in a stage of my life where I was only beginning to be proud of the fact that I am a Korean Adoptee, so I still wanted it to be a little hidden. 

For myself, it was something small, something I can eventually change if I end up pursuing a dual citizenship. But for others, it can be something as big as having been told the incorrect date of their birth, or what I've come to realize, having been told an incorrect story of why they were adopted. This type of information is the only thing we have to hold onto for most of us. It is the only thing we have from our heritage, our culture, our history, our lives prior to us being adopted. It isn't just information that should be easily changed to make a child seem more "adoptable"..For adoptees, a name isn't just a name; a birth date isn't just a birth date; a story isn't just a story, they're all we have and they mean more to us than we let on. 

박여라 is a name that has no meaning to me. My birth-mother didn't name me, my social worker did, therefore I have no reason to hold onto that name. 박유라 though is a name that I've built. It's a name that I have grown and have spent time with. 박유라 is a part of me, it's another person inside of me. 박여라 was a name that only lived for a few months, but 박유라 is a name that has lived for 21 years now and will continue to live with.