Just wish that everything could disappear. Every thing that you have, every person that you know, every memory that you have, absolutely everything would disappear and you could start completely over.
Well I have. Every day, I wake up and I do the same thing over and over again. Get ready, go to class, study, go to dance practice, study some more, work out every now and then, eat and sleep. I deal with the same faces over and over and over again. Given not all the people in my life are bad, I do appreciate the people in my life that have been there for me through my ups and downs. But there are some people that I cannot have in my life anymore, but they are.
In the past couple of weeks, I have gone through a lot. Emotionally, mentally, and physically. I have been drained in every one of those things and I've had to push through and fight every single one of those things to get through my daily life. I'm drained in every way possible and I'm starting to get drained from everything.
I'm tired of fighting to have people that I want to be in my life to stay in my life. I'm tired of being befriending me, but then going behind my back and lying to me. I'm tired of people isolating me. I'm tired of people using me when it's a good time for them to need me in their life. I'm tired of being the one that works hard and yet my hard work goes unnoticed. I'm tired of falling for people I can't have. I'm tired of people being two faced. I'm tired of school. I'm tired of having to force myself to get out of bed in the morning. I'm tired of being upset. I'm tired of being sad. I'm tired of being alone. I'm tired of feeling alone. I'm tired of being numb. I'm tired of faking my emotions when everything is empty inside. I'm tired of only being able to feel upset, hurt, sad, pissed off. I want to be able to be genuinely happy. To be able to have something that I know I'm actually doing right in my life. I want to be happy. But I've never been able to truly be happy. I've always been empty.
Yesterday I was pushed over the edge. I wanted to drink my problems away. It's the way I've dealt with things since I had my first drink. I literally walked into the restaurant with friends, sat at the table with said friends, then left said friends and went to the bar and drank. I had about 8 shots in the first 20 minutes I was there. I had a bottle of yogurt soju and then I had more shots later in the night. I was sure that I'd at least be buzzed or something, but no. Literally all alcohol left my body. I was completely sober an hour later. It was like I only drank water and all of those emotions were still in my mind. I don't think I've ever been that upset that the alcohol I drink leaves my body that quickly.
I realized though, as usual when I drive home since I usually have multiple life epiphanies, that everything I want is wrong and impossible for me to have. Every person that I like is wrong and impossible for me to have. Everything that I want is bound to fail and that's why I tend to end things once they happen. I noticed that once I tell someone I like them, I shut off my feelings from that point on. Even if the person tells me they like me, I just stop everything. I don't try to further anything. I just confess then leave. Most of the time though, when I confess the guy leaves anyways because they don't like me, so maybe it's just something I do because it's what has been done multiple times and I just expect it. I realized that I'm alone because of how I am. I keep every one at an arms length away and I don't tell people a lot of things. I don't want people to get close to me to hurt me.
I want to be able to forget everything. I want to start fresh. I want to start with a clean start. I want to disappear. I wish I would disappear. It's not like people would really miss me if I disappeared. It would just be like a childhood doll disappearing in the attic. People would ask about me once they realized I was gone, but then they'd just forget about me. I wish that would happen...I'm really just done and empty. I want to just.....leave.
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