Friendships.

Hello all, Kat here. Recently a friend of mine, let's call her S, messaged one of our mutual friends and I in a group chat. We had all three met when we were in Korea together for a scholarship program through our Korean adoption agency. These two women were literally what kept me together when I was having a hard time and we were able to create a friendship that lasted even when we returned from Korea. 


In the group message S had told us about a situation that had occurred and she felt that she had been wronged. She was completely upset by the situation. As a friend, I asked her what the situation was and tried to understand the whole situation. As we continued to message each other, it got to the point where something I had said was turned into an offensive comment. She claimed that I had ended up dehumanizing her, I too, had violated her human rights, and that I was a horrible friend because I didn't stay on her side. However, in my mind I thought I had made it perfectly clear that although I couldn't do what she was doing personally, S still had the right to live her life the way she wanted. That in the defense of the person who had made a comment to her in the first place, maybe spoke from a caring and concerned perspective instead of a demeaning intention. S didn't feel the same way and was hurt by the fact that I didn't say "Yes. That woman was completely wrong. I am outraged at the fact that she said she wouldn't let her daughter have the lifestyle you chose to live." I couldn't say that because I understood that she as a mother would want her daughter to live in a different way. I told her I could see it as a remark that could be taken rudely, but honestly I agree with the woman. I know I personally cannot live the same way S lives, but that doesn't mean that I think she is any less of a human being. Any less of a friend. Any less of a woman. She is still a complete human being, she is still my friend, and she is still a woman. But in S's mind, I had said that she was less of a human being, that I thought lowly of her, and that was the last conversation I had with her.

Prior to this specific situation she had offended both our mutual friend and I by telling us that our IQ wasn't fast enough to keep up with her train of thought. Pretty much we were to dumb to fully understand her. Which is completely outrageous as our mutual friend goes to one of the most prestigious universities in America (before people comment that going to a prestigious university doesn't mean our friend is intelligent, there still has to be some kind of intelligence level that she has to be able to get into that university to begin with) and although I do not go to a prestigious university, I understand how to process information and feelings. It is what I have been doing all of my life to rationalize not only my decisions and actions, but also those around me. Our friendship was already holding on by threads because of this and other conversations where I just got completely confused by S. I didn't know how to respond to her in a way that she would understand me and where I was coming from.

I sincerely care about S and I don't understand how someone can be so hot and cold. To want someone to understand and be accepting of your opinion, shouldn't you be understanding and accepting of the fact that others opinions? Wouldn't you want your friend to suggest things that could help you to get out of a situation? Wouldn't you want the people that care about you to tell you that you matter and that they have no judgement to the lifestyle you chose to live, but still express concern? That is what I would want from any of my friends. However, I guess that isn't what everyone wants. I guess some people just want constant validation. To know that they are always correct and any other view point should be voided. It's been about a week and a half since we last communicated, and to some that might not seem like a big deal, but there was something that happened in that conversation where I can feel in my bones that something is completely wrong. That the misunderstanding that occurred damaged the friendship if not completely ended it. 

My words of advice for people in situations like this, do not apologize to the person if you truly do not see wrongdoings in what you said or did. There's a difference when you know you truly did something wrong and need to apologize than when you didn't do something wrong and are still expected to apologize. All you're doing is giving that person control over you, to keep you always in the wrong, and to constantly treat you the way you shouldn't be treated. Give it some time, think the situation over, and when you think the time is right to try and reach out to the person, do it. Don't hesitate. If anything the person will just continue to ignore you, but if it's at the right time. They'll reply and things can begin to get better. You don't have to forget that the situation happened, but you can forgive the person that wronged you. 

Don't forget the golden rule."Treat people that way you want to be treated" IF you want someone to treat you nicely and to respect your opinions, you have to treat people the exact same way. 

Thank you and good night. Talk to y'all again another time.