Loneliness. Sadness. Numbness.

As a human being, we have all experienced some feeling of loneliness, sadness, and numbness. As an adoptee I have experienced those emotions to a level that is so high that if I were to attempt to rate it on a scale from 1 to 10; it would be a 50, if not higher.
I'm not going to lie, I pitied myself when I was younger. I used to feel sorry for myself because I felt so lonely in this huge world. I could be sitting around with all of my friends and still feel like as if I didn't exist. That I wasn't important to anyone. I felt like if my own biological mother had given me up, if my own biological father left me before I was even born, then who could I possibly ever be of an importance to? I felt completely alone to the point where I went into a deep depression. A deep depression that shouldn't have happened to a young child. I would cry so many times a day, a week, a month, and because people thought I was okay, I figured no one knew me well enough or even cared enough about me to see how much pain I was truly in. I became numb to every emotion that a human being should have. I faked the excitement of opening birthday presents and Christmas presents, I faked laughing at something that everyone else thought was funny, I faked every emotion. The only emotion that ever came out of me that wasn't fake was my sadness. When I couldn't hold it all in and would just cry wherever I was at in that moment. My sadness was the only emotion that was real and because I had to always act to seem more human, I became numb. Even to this day, I have to fake some of my emotions. It isn't that I don't care, I do, just my mind and my heart react differently. My mind tells my heart to be happy, to laugh, to smile, but my heart is just like "meh, I don't feel like it today...but I guess since you tell me I should feel this way you should show the expressions of those feelings" Sometimes I just sit by myself and wonder if my depression ever went away from when I was younger, or if I just learned to ignore it and adapt to my depression. If my depression didn't go away and I really did learn to just adapt to it, then why is my depression still with me? What are my unconscious feelings and thoughts that still make me depressed? How can I get over them? The more I think of things and possible reasons as to why I might still be depressed, I get more depressed. I get agitated with everyone around me, I drink to feel better, I lay in bed and just mindlessly stare at what I'm playing on the television, I become a mummy again that just goes through life the way I know I should. I sleep, eat, go to class, study, dance, study my dances to teach to people, and then repeat. I can only tell you a handful of things that have happened in the past week or even two weeks because I can't remember past that. I don't remember things because I don't think I'm truly living through those things. I know I shouldn't be that way and I don't want to be that way, but I am and I don't know what to do with myself to break it. To break myself.