Number One

He was the first guy I ever really liked. He was my child hood friend. We lived right down the street from each other and we would always play games, go exploring in the woods behind my house, terrorize insects together, we created a lot of memories together that I still have and remember.
I remember the day I told him I liked him. I remember sitting in the back of the bus, we were about three stops from our stop to get off and go to our respective homes. He had just confessed to the girl he liked and she had turned him down. I was trying to make him feel better and I said something like "It doesn't matter what she thinks of you. You'll eventually find someone who likes you for you. She doesn't matter. I mean hey, I think you're pretty awesome and I like you." And I remember as soon as I said "I like you" he immediately leaned away and said "Ewww" with one of the most disgusted facial expressions. Like what I had just said was so outrageous and disgusting. That was the last time I talked to him until maybe 3 years later. It was Valentine's Day and for some reason we didn't have school. So I called him since I had nothing else to do and we hung out again. Like nothing had changed. We made peanut butter sandwiches, went to play in the creek under neath the bridge in our subdivision, found a beer bottle with a crawdad stuff in it, ate our sandwiches in one of the open areas under neath the bridge. It was a fun day. That was the last time I ever really talked to him. Spending that day with him, it felt like maybe we could be friends again, but that was the last time we ever saw each other. He moved to a different school, different neighborhood, made different friends, and went on a different path.

He was my best friend and I couldn't talk to him anymore. It hurt so much to be rejected in that way. The disgust in his face made it impossible for me to tell anyone that I liked them. Even to this day, I will not tell a guy that I like him unless he tells me first. I'm not like that because I think it's only the man's job to tell a girl first, but because a flash of his face and body language of pure repulsion comes into my mind. I get scared and I start thinking that if my best friend could be so repulsed that a girl like me could have liked him, what's to say that someone else who I may not be that much closer with could be repulsed by me. He literally ruined me in a few ways that still effect me now and I don't think he even knows that he effected me the way he did. I may seem like I have a lot of confidence and that I'm really outgoing, but on the inside I'm broken. I fear crowds and people's glances at me. I know that I'm grossed out by my own appearance and I probably talk myself down a lot more than what I even consciously know of, but I learned that faking confidence when it is needed is a survival tactic. If I were to really show my emotions, I would easily be that girl that has no friends and always wears her hair in her face to hide from every one. Although I am the way I am and I was effected by him even to this day, there's a part of me that is thankful for him. It's like I needed to learn that I'm not going to be liked by every one., that I'm not going to pretty to every guy, that I'm not going to get the guy I like, it was a big slap to the face that I'm thankful I got at that young age. But then I wonder what I'd be like if I hadn't gotten that rude awakening when I was so young. Would I be different? Would I genuinely be more confident in myself? It's something that I struggle with all the time, but because I've struggled with it for so long, it has become a part of me. It's a parasite. That way of thinking has become my parasite.

For any of my readers, if you're fighting something like this, talk to someone. Whether it is your friend, parent, counselor, someone that you can confide in. Talk to them and let this out. Don't let your fears or thoughts become your parasite and make you someone that isn't the best you can be.