Lately I've been thinking a lot about my relationships. Most of my blog entries are about relationships, finding love, letting things go from the past, everything in that general area of life.
I was talking to a friend recently and we were talking and I had stated that I have bad memory. That if I didn't want to remember something I would just forget about it and just leave it alone. The majority of the time I would forget, unless something happens and that memory just slaps me in the face. Well because I've been thinking about relationships so much lately, I realized just how screwed up I was when I was younger.
At a young age, I learned about online chatting websites. Websites where people solely go on to hook up with other people, or to date other people. I remember talking to a lot of guys that were 25 to 45 years old, sometimes older, and this was from the time I was about 11 years old to 13 or 14 years old. Pretty much all of the time I was in middle school until freshman year of high school. I would talk to these guys and I remember feeling that I was so lucky to find someone I could talk to like that and talked to me as well. Guys that would call me pretty, beautiful, other things to that nature.
Now that I'm older, I wonder why I started doing that. I wonder why I thought that talking to people through online chatting would make me feel better, feel like there was someone who loved me. I mean for all I know those could've been pedophiles talking to me, or people talking like that to me just to make a joke out of me. I can list time after time where I was left disappointed by the people I talked to. I remember that last guy I talked to that I had met on some website, it was freshman year of college and he told me that a wall was more interesting than me. That I was so stupid and naive to ever believe that he truly liked me. That he just said those things to see what I would say and if I really had feelings for him. He told me I was a bet between him and his friends to see how long he could keep the game up with me. I felt so unbelievably stupid and I cried.
Sometimes I wonder if there's this hole that I have in myself. If the reason why I can still communicate through text messages, emails, other various messenger applications, is because I don't have to deal with actually losing a physical person when they leave. I wonder why I don't like men around my age. The people I have found myself liking have always been at least 5 years older than me. Sometimes the age gap is bigger than that. Sometimes it goes up to 15 years older than me. I have a "oppa" complex. Where I like older guys and I like calling them "oppa" (a term in Korean used for older brother. It can also be used in relationships when the girl's boyfriend is older than them; as a term of endearment. Or it can be used in close friendships where the guy is literally like an older brother.) For me to like someone close to my age or even a year younger than me is really hard to come across. It rarely ever happens. I wonder if my adoption and if knowing my adoption story in unconsciously controlling my mind and who I'm attracted to. If I'm unconsciously trying to find someone to fill the hole that I may or may not have.
Although I don't know these answers to those questions, I know that my relationship life is on a loop. It is constantly repeating itself and I wonder when the end of that cycle will be.
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