when will i ever LEARN

I should've known...why did I let myself feel this way...I'm so unbelievably stupid.

I've been told I come across as someone who is confident in who they are, that I am someone who will take the attention at a party because I just have that kind of aurora. They're such lies. I only come off as someone who has confidence because I have practiced how to smile at strangers, to learn how to communicate with people when I need to, to be confident. Dancing taught me that. The feeling that I get when I dance on stage, it's a feeling that I just can't ignore. It's like my drug. I learned to replicate that confidence that I have, those emotions when I dance, I learned to duplicate them in society with other people. It took a long time for me to get that way, but the inside, the deep part of my soul, I'm still a shy, scared, Korean girl. I have to recharge myself after I go out with people who aren't in my close circle. I'm hurt by words more than my persona will show. I feel pain when I'm hurt and when I say okay, I'm fine, after I've been hurt, I'm crying on the inside.

That goes for relationships too. I'm the type of girl that HATES inflating a guys ego. If I can tell a guy is one of those "macho" guys that thinks they can get with any girl and they try and talk to me and think I'm so weak girl that will fall for their Casanova ways, I ignore them. I don't laugh at their corny jokes, I don't fall for their smirks or intense eye staring. I treat them like they aren't some smooth good looking guy. I don't think that someone should have too much ego and be a douche just because they think they can be one. 

But deep inside, when there's a guy that I like because of the conversations we have or the moments we share, I begin to fall for their corny jokes, their smooth pick up lines, their smile. Then when I begin to like them just enough to try and tell them my feelings, they show me that I was so dumb to even begin falling for them in the first place. That they really are just a smooth Casanova and just like talking to other people so they can have "choices." 

I'm not someone to be a "choice." I'm a person that has feelings and I'm a person that has been constantly put through the "I'm just going to tell you what I think you want to hear so I can make you weak and fragile then break you all over again" guys way too much. I'm beginning to think that I'm wrong. That I'm a masochist and I actually enjoy being hurt by the same type of guys every time. Otherwise why else would I keep putting myself through the same situations over and over again.

I'm very self-conscious and I don't think of myself very highly...so even if a guy doesn't mean to come off that way, even if his emotions were true, if I see that a guy likes someone else or that someone else likes them, I'll surrender to that other person quicker than a single soldier facing a whole army of his enemies would. I don't fit other women for a guy. I don't feel like I'm worth it, that becoming a woman who would fight for a guy who doesn't necessarily feel the same way as me is a person I want to be. I don't want to be so desperate that I fight for the wrong guy. And I don't want to just straight up ask the guy if he likes the other girl either. I just give up. Giving up hurts, but being told someone you like likes someone else more than you hurts even more and fighting for a guy when you know where he stands is painful too; especially when you know you're on two different pages. For me being friends with that person is better than being left heartbroken and losing that person in my life. 

Just as I practiced and mastered  being confident when I need to be, I've practiced and mastered friend-zoning myself and the other person just as well.  I don't fall in love easily, but I fall in like easily. I fall for the small things, the laughs that I get, the trust and comfort I feel, I don't have to have a lot of physical interaction; as I tend to not really like physical interactions from the majority of people, I just have to have small things that I genuinely enjoy to fall in like. 

I'm sorry I'm like this. I'm sorry that I'm so naive. You can blame it on my age. I'll understand. I'm sorry I'm self conscious and needy and that I over think EVERYTHING. 

I'm sorry.