I was looking through some groups for adoptees, recently I have gotten a lot more interested in the adoptee community and adoption in general. My senior thesis paper is actually going to be over international adoption. Anyways back to the point. I was reading the description one of the adoptee groups, and in that description is states "Please refrain from using the word "birth" mother, "birth" father. This rhetoric and labeling--which perpetuates a stigma and discrimination against parents--has been purposely coined by the adoption professionals. The result is that it reduces parents down to a "function," which serves the industry. Parents of adoption loss prefer the terms of first, natural, original (or no precursor at all)."
Now I'm not the most "perfect" adoptee, I'm far from it, but reading that made me upset
inside for some reason. The way that I view my adoption, is no matter the reasoning behind
me being adopted, whether it was her choice to place me for adoption or if someone
convinced her to place me up for adoption, she is my birth mother. She gave birth to me, she gave me life, she took care of her self for 9 months of having me grow inside of her body, and she chose to give me a life that would allow me to at least live in a culture that had a slightly more open mind than that of my own heritage. She is my birth mother. To call her my "original" mother, my "natural" mother, my "first" mother, that to me is more negative than "birth" mother.
For her to be called my "original" mother, I feel like it's negative not because it's false, but because what would it make my mother. My adoptive mother who raised me. Raised a child who not only is not blood related to her, but has no physical characteristics to show or resemble her. Wouldn't that make her my "unoriginal" mother. Like as if it some negative thing to be adopted. That's horrible for me to even imagine me calling the woman who raised me that name. My "natural" mother, well that's even more condemning of the woman who raised me. The woman who provided everything for me. Cared for me when I was sick, stayed up countless nights when I was sick and couldn't sleep, stayed home from work with me when I had fevers and infections right after each other. That makes her my "unnatural" mother and for something to be "unnatural" it means it should exist. That in this world, it isn't something that exists naturally. My "first" mother. Well honestly that implies that she stayed with me after I was born and actually acted like a mother. Took care of my dirty diapers, fed me, watched me, sang me to sleep, but from my records and what she told me, she never saw me after I was born. She literally pushed me out of her body, then went to a resting room, then left the hospital without ever seeing me. She gave me life, she gave birth to me. That's why she is my "birth" mother. Being a birth mother or birth father isn't condemning anyone. It's simply stating a fact that they were two human beings that gave life to an egg inside a woman's body which grew into a tiny human being. They didn't raise me though. My birth mother didn't even know my name until I went and searched for her. She claims that she went to the agency on December 3, 1993, the day I left for my family in America, to get me back. Why didn't she get my name then? Why didn't she know my name, her one and only daughter's name. She cared for me while I was in her womb and she may or may not have cared for me while I was growing up thousands of miles away from her, but that is it. Heck, she hide the fact that she even had a child from her husband until 4 days before I met her again in 2013. I do keep in contact with her now and I call her "omma" (mom in Korean) but that's because I feel like it's my duty to her to call her mom and to call her husband dad. I am still her daughter no matter what. She is biologically my mother no matter what. I will love her, I have always loved her and longed for her, but my mom here is my mom. My original mom. The mom that was supposed to be in my life. The mom that gave me everything she could no matter how much it took away from her dreams.
I understand that not every one has my adoption story. That not everyone had a "good" or "happy" adoption story, but honestly tell me this. IF you know anything about your biological parents or your adoption story, how long did your parents care for you? How long did they raise you and give you everything they could before abandoning you and leaving you? Some of us were old enough when we were adopted that we have memories of the orphanages, I understand that some of us had parents that attempted to raise us, but just couldn't do it anymore. Maybe because you had that time with your biological parents you don't mind calling them your "first", "natural", or "original" parents, without caring about how it would affect your adoptive family and parents. But for me, an adoptee who didn't have any time with her biological mother or father, I have no intentions of ever calling them anything other than my "birth" parents or biological parents. Actually if you want to call them anything, call them you're BIOLOGICAL parents because that's what they are. That's the most politically correct name you could call them without offending either parents. But hey, if you just don't give two f**ks call them you "natural," "original," or "first," parents.
No matter what, your family in whatever country you were adopted too, they spent money on you, the raised you, it may not have been the best experience, but to some extent they cared. Even if they showed the affection in the COMPLETELY WRONG way, they cared to some extent. Unless the really have no feelings, they'll be hurt a little bit to find that by calling your biological parents "natural," "original," or "first," you're automatically calling them your "unnatural," "unoriginal," or "second," parents. If I knew my child was calling me that, I would be heart broken. To know that my child, and yes I say MY CHILD, called me by default a different name other than mom, I would cry.
Yes in adoption there is a lot of corruption. But in the end we are adopted for one reason or another. I know it doesn't make sense to a lot of people, but I know that what we were meant for, we couldn't do in Korea. Not in the time when we were born. Now things are changing. Korea is changing. If there were to be changes to make in Korea with adoption, now is the time to do it. But to take adoption off the table completely for Korea is ridiculous. International Adoption needs to exist because there are going to be some children that won't be adopted domestically. No matter how much we want to hope and pray that children would be adopted domestically, there are some that won't. But they might have a better change being adopted internationally. Putting a name on what exists in Korea, is only making us miss Korea more than what we already do and it doesn't really help the turmoil we have going on within ourselves. Focus more on making sure that what we all went through, the constant hiding of information from our files, the lack of information that is required of people placing their child up for adoption, those are what needs to be fixed. The post adoption services within adoption agencies, those need to have focus on. Call the people that gave us life biological parents, because outside of having their DNA, their physical characteristics, they appearance, we have nothing more in common with them. They abandoned us. They left us. They cared enough about us to leave us in public locations where we could be found, or in hospitals right after giving birth to us, but that's it. The majority of us have no more information other than that. They left us, abandoned us, and forgot us. We were out of sight, we were then out of mind. They continued living their lives and we lived ours with what we had and what was given to us. Even if we do find and build a relationship, it's harder for us. They don't always go out of their way to learn the language to try and communicate with us, to build a relationship with communication is left to us. Left to the children they left and abandoned. It's our duty to learn the language and culture so that we can talk to them. So that we can get our answers. It isn't fair and that isn't being a mother or father. That's them trying to correct their wrong doings, but to where they're "doing" something but they're doing the bare minimum in building the relationship.
In the end my biological mother and father, my birth parents are in Korea, living their lives the way they always wanted to. My mother and father, the only people in my life that will ever have the true and full meaning of that title, are here in America, down the hall from me in their bed sleeping.
For her to be called my "original" mother, I feel like it's negative not because it's false, but because what would it make my mother. My adoptive mother who raised me. Raised a child who not only is not blood related to her, but has no physical characteristics to show or resemble her. Wouldn't that make her my "unoriginal" mother. Like as if it some negative thing to be adopted. That's horrible for me to even imagine me calling the woman who raised me that name. My "natural" mother, well that's even more condemning of the woman who raised me. The woman who provided everything for me. Cared for me when I was sick, stayed up countless nights when I was sick and couldn't sleep, stayed home from work with me when I had fevers and infections right after each other. That makes her my "unnatural" mother and for something to be "unnatural" it means it should exist. That in this world, it isn't something that exists naturally. My "first" mother. Well honestly that implies that she stayed with me after I was born and actually acted like a mother. Took care of my dirty diapers, fed me, watched me, sang me to sleep, but from my records and what she told me, she never saw me after I was born. She literally pushed me out of her body, then went to a resting room, then left the hospital without ever seeing me. She gave me life, she gave birth to me. That's why she is my "birth" mother. Being a birth mother or birth father isn't condemning anyone. It's simply stating a fact that they were two human beings that gave life to an egg inside a woman's body which grew into a tiny human being. They didn't raise me though. My birth mother didn't even know my name until I went and searched for her. She claims that she went to the agency on December 3, 1993, the day I left for my family in America, to get me back. Why didn't she get my name then? Why didn't she know my name, her one and only daughter's name. She cared for me while I was in her womb and she may or may not have cared for me while I was growing up thousands of miles away from her, but that is it. Heck, she hide the fact that she even had a child from her husband until 4 days before I met her again in 2013. I do keep in contact with her now and I call her "omma" (mom in Korean) but that's because I feel like it's my duty to her to call her mom and to call her husband dad. I am still her daughter no matter what. She is biologically my mother no matter what. I will love her, I have always loved her and longed for her, but my mom here is my mom. My original mom. The mom that was supposed to be in my life. The mom that gave me everything she could no matter how much it took away from her dreams.
I understand that not every one has my adoption story. That not everyone had a "good" or "happy" adoption story, but honestly tell me this. IF you know anything about your biological parents or your adoption story, how long did your parents care for you? How long did they raise you and give you everything they could before abandoning you and leaving you? Some of us were old enough when we were adopted that we have memories of the orphanages, I understand that some of us had parents that attempted to raise us, but just couldn't do it anymore. Maybe because you had that time with your biological parents you don't mind calling them your "first", "natural", or "original" parents, without caring about how it would affect your adoptive family and parents. But for me, an adoptee who didn't have any time with her biological mother or father, I have no intentions of ever calling them anything other than my "birth" parents or biological parents. Actually if you want to call them anything, call them you're BIOLOGICAL parents because that's what they are. That's the most politically correct name you could call them without offending either parents. But hey, if you just don't give two f**ks call them you "natural," "original," or "first," parents.
No matter what, your family in whatever country you were adopted too, they spent money on you, the raised you, it may not have been the best experience, but to some extent they cared. Even if they showed the affection in the COMPLETELY WRONG way, they cared to some extent. Unless the really have no feelings, they'll be hurt a little bit to find that by calling your biological parents "natural," "original," or "first," you're automatically calling them your "unnatural," "unoriginal," or "second," parents. If I knew my child was calling me that, I would be heart broken. To know that my child, and yes I say MY CHILD, called me by default a different name other than mom, I would cry.
Yes in adoption there is a lot of corruption. But in the end we are adopted for one reason or another. I know it doesn't make sense to a lot of people, but I know that what we were meant for, we couldn't do in Korea. Not in the time when we were born. Now things are changing. Korea is changing. If there were to be changes to make in Korea with adoption, now is the time to do it. But to take adoption off the table completely for Korea is ridiculous. International Adoption needs to exist because there are going to be some children that won't be adopted domestically. No matter how much we want to hope and pray that children would be adopted domestically, there are some that won't. But they might have a better change being adopted internationally. Putting a name on what exists in Korea, is only making us miss Korea more than what we already do and it doesn't really help the turmoil we have going on within ourselves. Focus more on making sure that what we all went through, the constant hiding of information from our files, the lack of information that is required of people placing their child up for adoption, those are what needs to be fixed. The post adoption services within adoption agencies, those need to have focus on. Call the people that gave us life biological parents, because outside of having their DNA, their physical characteristics, they appearance, we have nothing more in common with them. They abandoned us. They left us. They cared enough about us to leave us in public locations where we could be found, or in hospitals right after giving birth to us, but that's it. The majority of us have no more information other than that. They left us, abandoned us, and forgot us. We were out of sight, we were then out of mind. They continued living their lives and we lived ours with what we had and what was given to us. Even if we do find and build a relationship, it's harder for us. They don't always go out of their way to learn the language to try and communicate with us, to build a relationship with communication is left to us. Left to the children they left and abandoned. It's our duty to learn the language and culture so that we can talk to them. So that we can get our answers. It isn't fair and that isn't being a mother or father. That's them trying to correct their wrong doings, but to where they're "doing" something but they're doing the bare minimum in building the relationship.
In the end my biological mother and father, my birth parents are in Korea, living their lives the way they always wanted to. My mother and father, the only people in my life that will ever have the true and full meaning of that title, are here in America, down the hall from me in their bed sleeping.
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