What I Really Meant to Say

I'm Sorry 

1. For being dumb and ruining something before it even starts

2. For convincing myself that no one could ever have feeling for me

3. For making it hard to get close to me.

4. For running whenever I start to have feelings for you.

(Literally I'm like this)

.

5. For allowing others doubts to become my doubts.

6. For thinking that people are innately evil even though I say I think all people are good.

7. For making it seem like I'm playing games with you when I'm not. 

8. For avoiding certain things because I think that I will literally lose you or anyone.

9. For not being as strong as I seem. 

10. For being a contradiction. 

I'm sorry for all of this and for a lot more things, but this is me. It's something that I can't change quickly nor do I know if I will ever be able to change these habits. It's my mechanism. It's my way of surviving in this evil world and still walk around with a smile on my face. Even if I'm faking that smile or even if I feel like I'm faking that smile, if I were to live in this world recognizing all of the evil, hate, crime, racism, discrimination, war, death, I'd never be able to truly smile. I would be burdened with everything because I know I can't fix it. I can't help end all of the pain and suffering that others are feeling and dealing with. So to prevent myself from being a person that will experience a lot of pain and heartbreak when someone that they love passes away, or leaves, I just limit myself. I'm sorry for being this way, I want to be normal and experience love and happiness, to have a sense of accomplishment in my life, but for now I just have this. This is what I have. 

I'm Sorry.