"We must develop and maintain the capacity to forgive. He who is devoid of the power to forgive is devoid of the power to love. There is some good in the worst of us and some evil in the best of us. When we discover this, we are less prone to hate our enemies."
-Martin Luther King, Jr.
I don't really know how to start this blog. I've been sitting here for the last 20 minutes to try and figure out a good opening. I haven't figured out a good opening though. In our lives we all suffer some kind of heartbreak that leaves us in ruins. If I had the time I could list a fist full of times when the relationships and friendships that I had were completely ruined and I was left heartbroken from the loss of that person in my life. Instead of writing of all of those times, I'll just write about the most recent time to try and make my point.
It was almost a year ago and I had been living with my friends at that time. We were all friends prior to living together and thought living together would be a good idea. However when I had returned back to my apartment, things went really wrong. There was a argument that occurred between two of the three of us that were living together. It was over something completely insignificant, but it got to the point where I was outcasted in my own apartment. I was being talked about behind my back, my best friend at the time was being talked about because of her relationship with me, and I felt like I had lost the family that I had loved and cared about more than my own self. Prior to this argument with my roommates, I had fought with my parents to stay at the university I am attending. I didn't want to leave my friends behind, the friends that I thought were my family and that nothing would ever change. When this happened, I had so much hatred towards them. Every time I saw them I wanted to just yell at them, since the apartment was in my name and my parents were helping me cover the costs, my parents wanted me to kick them out. I went into a depression being so broken by these people. They turned everyone against me, I had no friends except for my best friends and I still felt so alone. But people still thought we were the best of friends and that every thing was good. I couldn't get myself to separate myself from them despite the hurt I felt because of them. To this day, against my better judgement I still care about them, but I'm still a passive aggressive (excuse my language) bitch towards them.
I realize that in any argument it takes both sides to cause the problem that is the basis of that argument. I know I did wrong in that situation and I don't deny that. I realize that what they did and how they went about things was their own way of dealing with problems and although I wouldn't have done things the way they did things, I understood and I forgave them for that. I forgave them for the situation that occurred and because we are still tied together because of other organizations, I have learned to have a basic conversation with them without being mad. I just can't forget it. I can't help but have a shorter temper with them. I can't help but remember every emotion that I felt in those 5 months of living together whenever I see their faces.
Forgiving them or anyone who has hurt me, is easy once I can logically process why they did what they did. Forgetting is a different topic. When a situation causes me so much pain and heartbreak that I can't function, forgetting is close to impossible.
A friend of mine talked to me and told me about how he believed his dream was telling him that he should forgive, forget, and let go of his past relationship so he could move on and enter new relationships. In that moment I felt jealous of him. That he was able to do that because of a dream and the meanings behind his dream. I'm glad though that he shared his dream with me. There was an object that had a very significant meaning and when we both looked up the meaning and talked about it, I realized that even though it was 4 almost 5 am when we were talking, maybe I wasn't supposed to fall asleep until after I talked to him. Maybe in his dream that object signified he was supposed to move on, but for me signified that he was a friend and person that is supposed to be in my life to teach me something and show me new things about the world, relationships and forgiveness.
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