Sometimes

Sometimes I just want to let go of everything. Forget everything, forget what it likes to feel happy, to feel those small butterflies when you begin to like someone, forget the words people say to me. Just be alone and just listen to music, swim in the ocean, sit in a hammock and stare at the sky. I don't want to keep being let down and I don't want to keep allowing myself to be let down. But I do.

When I was younger, I went through a very deep depression. I felt so lonely and so confused after meeting my birth mother that I sunk into this 6 ft deep hole and kept digging. I stopped talking to people, if I had to talk to someone I had a very short rope with them and would get agitated very easily. I began cutting my skin, scratching my skin raw in some places, I attempted suicide more times than I can count. I cried myself to sleep every night and my dreams were more like nightmares. Sometimes I would try and hope that my dream would give me hope, but instead it would just be me in an empty black room.

 Motionless. Lifeless. I couldn't find my way out. I gave up fighting to live on. 

One day though, something changed. Someone changed my point of view in life. They didn't say anything new to me, but for some reason, on that specific day, those words hit home for me. I just broke down and cried and I began fighting to gain control of my life again. I was doing fantastic until recently. I was able to control everything. To control what emotions showed. To control what I felt for someone. 

Now, I'm going back into the downward hill. I don't know if it's because I'm back in my hometown, or if it's because this is something that has been coming and has been around but the new changes to my life triggered it. In the next year, my life is about to change. I'm about to do things on my own that I never thought I'd ever do. These feelings that I'm beginning to feel though, I wish they didn't exist. I wish I didn't go into small panic attacks when I start liking someone. I wish I didn't have the opportunity to like someone. I wish I could just go through everything with the ability to not feel anything. Maybe I should find a magic lamp soon and make a wish with the genie that is lying inside the gold walls.

Until then though, guess it's just time to say good bye. 

Not a forever goodbye.

Just a goodbye to get myself back on the track I was on before things happened. 

Get back to the person I was where I didn't want need people besides my inner circle.

I'll still be posting blogs...I need to share my thoughts somewhere...

Just for everyone else, I'm saying good bye.