they come and they go

For me , being in a relationship is something serious. I don't just go into relationships just for fun. I think that to be in a relationship, you have to be able to see yourself with that person for a long time. I think for someone my age, I take relationships more serious than most people my age. I also find it hard for me to start a relationship with someone that's already a friend.

I feel like if we started off as friends and our friendship is one I cherish, then dating will just mess everything up and I'll not only lose a boyfriend but a very good friend. However, if I start talking to you and developing feelings for you, those feelings are as pure as gold. If I like you and I talk to you every day, I tell you about my true feelings about certain topics that no one really knows, I tell you about my hopes and dreams and what I want my future to be like, I'm telling you because I like you. If at some point you tell me that you like me too, I get really hopeful and happy. To me, if we're talking and both of us have confirmed feelings for each other, then the only next step is to say that we're dating. Regardless if we met each other or not. Which may sound dumb to some people, but to me, I think that if you're attracted to someones personality, you'll be attracted to their physical appearance. I think now, our society is too focused on physical appearances that if we don't like someones physical appearance we just base everything that we say and do off that. We don't really look deeper than their physical appearance. We've become shallow. If I'm talking to you and we both know each others feelings, I want to be able to say, hey I'm in this relationship with a guy that I think is really awesome and I'm not going to talk or look into anyone else because I only want to pursue things further with this person. But I've come to realize that some people aren't like that. They want to talk to other people and pursue multiple people at once. At least that how it seems and comes across. If I'm talking to you, I'm taking it seriously. Even for people that know me, I have the best conversations with people and getting to know people better through text messages or some other social media messaging system. Talking in person is something that's really hard for me at first meeting. But talking to you, getting to know you, feeling comfortable with you to talk through messaging, I'll be comfortable to talk to you in person. I'm very weird. I know this. I'm also insane since I constantly repeat my cycle of life. But you already knew this and you still said you liked me. But then I went and messed everything up. I'm sorry that I confused you. This is what I wanted to say but couldn't because I knew we had two different view points. For me I'd rather say I'm in a relationship, then meet, then figure out if the relationship is true. For you, you'd rather meet, then decide what to do, then be in a relationship. Two different ideas. Two different people. But you know, I'm still happy to have you as a friend. Just need to get over my feelings for you. Just give me until this weekend to be fully over...gotta drink myself out of these feelings then I'll be good. I do my best logical reasoning and decision making when I'm drinking. I allow myself to accept things I already know more easily when there are drinks and shots in my system. Thank you though for showing me that I can like someone again and that people can like me. Thank you for letting me talk to you so much and thank you for supporting me in my blog. I hope you continue to do so.

I realized I wanted to know where things were going...I didnt want things to end.