To that person. Anyone that goes through that kind of experience, there is always a reason why they went into that hole. Whether it's because a relationship failed, a friendship ended, someone that was an important part of living was lost, or losing a job, there are reasons why people separate themselves from the rest of the world.
At that time in my life, I had lost someone that was close to my heart. I felt like when that person passed away, my importance in life was gone. I felt like because they passed away no one cared for me, about me. I went through friendships that showed me at a young age that people can't be trusted. I was constantly betrayed, back stabbed, ignored, used, and a joke. I was lied to, my trust was broken and anything that I had said in confidence with that person was spread to others, when I lost my importance of being called a friend; when the person got what they needed out of me, I was ignored and treated like an outsider, and some would only become my friend to make a joke out of me. It wasn't a fun or easy childhood. I was more often than not very lonely. It seemed like I was just a game piece in life and that people would just use me, play me, throw me around, and then abandon me.
The fear of being abandoned is very real for me. It's probably in the same level of fear that I have for spiders and cockroaches. And that is a very high level of fear that I have for those. I fear that at some point any friendship that I have, any relationship that I have, they will all abandon me and forget about me. I can't start relationships without thinking every thing through. The way I process and over think relationships is pretty close to being crazy. I have to think of what the relationship would be like, would we eventually get married? Can I see myself with that person for a long time? Does that person truly like me? Am I just a game? Could someone ever really like me? If they like me why do they like me? There are plenty of prettier people, I'm sure I'm just a game? They'll just leave me in the end, I'm too much of a burden. My fear of being abandoned is so high that I'm deathly afraid of entering a relationship.
Friendships though, I learned that they all end at some point in time, but as long as I can make a basic connection with a person to where we can hang out and laugh. That's all the human interaction I need. My best friends though, they're teaching me that I might be wrong about that. They might be the longest friendships that I will have in my life. But even then I fear that at one point in life, our friendship might change. Might become one of those friendships that has no true meaning to it. It's just there to get by in life.
People might think I'm crazy, but to me, it makes complete sense. I'd honestly rather be alone than constantly be abandoned and broken-hearted. But is the way I'm living truly a way to live? Have I just let my fear rule my life so much so that I won't ever really experience true happiness and love? I ask my question that on a regular basis and I have yet to find the right answer. Until I find the answer though,
I'm sorry I'm scared.
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